Blow Brains Out

The Dream (previously untitled)

9.22.20

Written on 8/18/21

On this date 8.18.21, I am finally connecting the collage to my dream all those years ago.

I was running - darting through arborvitae. A man - a bad man - was pursuing me and I had to get away - time warped and I was struggling to get out of his grip.  He stabbed me in my vagina - the blade found its mark with skilled precision and I was terrified.

During my Martial Arts Studies in my 20’s, the dream reared its ugly head at me on the practice mat.  I was in an advanced class - the only female - and we were working with short blades that night.

“In a knife fight… someone only loses less,” my teacher proffers.  Said with a mix of humor, truth and reality.

I only remember breaking down and crumpling onto the mat in tears.  The men in class did not know what to do.  All eyes looked over to our teacher (the father of four girls) for having the most experience with “handling” feminine emotional reactions.

I excused myself from the mat. My classmates and teacher comforted me.  I went home.

The next day, my teacher checked in on my wellbeing.  I must have said something like, “I don’t even know where those emotions came from.”  

He was very quick to reflect - “Karrie, don’t you see?”

I must have had a blank look on my face.

“Your abortion.” He continued.

It still bounced off my forehead.

It was then I had the acupuncture treatment of my life.  It gave me a healing vision. 

I still struggle with having an abortion.  I am pro-choice.  However, I don’t think I would ever make the same choice again.  What I can tell you is that I am soul-tired - fatigued to the point that I feel like I am walking through water.  I can’t imagine how much more depleted I would feel having been a teen mother.  Many times, I carry my unborn baby forward in time with me. Existing integrated with my now family.  How fantasy.  Everything all shiny and fairytale-like.

I have made a space for her in my home garden.  Her name is Ivy.  She is in the shape of a heart.

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In “The Dream” she stands casually- knee cocked.  The cosmos behind her.

Other themes: medical procedure trauma as a woman

• Gynecological

• Hysterical

• Fantastical

• Diminish symptoms